5 Steps for maintaining connection & integrity when someone says some dumb shit you disagree with this holiday season.
TL;DR
Make sure your expectations are realistic.
Pause & reset your nervous system.
Reflect their words & clarify why/how they arrived at their position.
Share your perspective only if they are willing to hear it.
Hold firm boundaries that allow for the possibility of repair.
First, just let me say: You don’t have to do anything differently. Your coping mechanisms and well-worn survival strategies have gotten you this far and you know your family better than I do. If it’s the first time you’re meeting a significant other’s family or other new folks, you know what works for you and why. If you love and enjoy family gatherings and skillfully navigate occasional conflict, this isn’t for you.
But if you are dissatisfied with patterns of interaction that routinely leave you feeling disconnected, disgruntled or disgusted with yourself or others in family or holiday gatherings, here are a few things you can try when someone says some dumb shit you disagree with whole heartedly, while responding with honesty, integrity and healthy boundaries.
Know before you go.
As the saying goes “fail to prepare - prepare to fail.” Take some time to reflect on your hopes, goals and expectations for connection. Reality test them and revise accordingly. Make a plan to maximize what you want and mitigate what you don’t. Here are a few questions you can consider by writing or talking through your responses:
What are your expectations for this gathering? How realistic are they?
What are the things that you most enjoy in this setting?
What do you find most challenging in this setting?
What can you do (what is within your control) to maximize the enjoyable parts and minimize the challenges?
Are you going out of obligation, habit, to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, or to minimize a risk of retaliation? If yes, given past experience, is it really worth it? What would happen and how would you feel if you decided not to go?
If you do not have realistic expectations, you are being dishonest with yourself. If you are attending only from obligation, you’re likely to end up feeling resentful regardless of what anyone else says or does. If you want others to honor your limits and boundaries, you have to make sure you are honoring your limits and boundaries yourself.
OK, so then when you do decide to go, and someone still says something dumb or hurtful despite your best plans and preparation:
2. Pause. Do a quick body scan and take note of what you find.
Clenching your jaw?
Lean back in your chair, drop your shoulders and fake a yawn.A giant gaping pit just opened up in your stomach?
Scan the room. Notice and silently name five objects and their colors (ie, right now I can see blue curtains, grey desk, red scarf, white headphones, green card).Your face is on fire and you feel like punching them in the face?
Look up like you are pondering what they said and count backwards from 10.
Then think about a baby human or animal you have held and adored (even if that baby is now an annoying teenager or your beloved animal companion is no longer with you). Think about how sweet their little face was, how the cuteness made you babble and squeal like a fool, and how your heart felt like it would explode with love for this little being and all of their magical potential. (If you dislike babies, you may have bigger problems, but any other person, place or thing that brings you peace or joy or a sense of wellbeing will work too.)You feel numb and frozen in shock and horror and notice you are holding your breath?
Take a big breath, stand up and excuse yourself while you go get that … drink… bathroom… sweater … napkin… that you just realized you need.You feel your mouth forming the words that are about to verbally eviscerate this person and make them wish they had never been born?
Smile and say “That’s an interesting point of view.”
When our autonomic nervous system activates our fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses, our frontal lobe (responsible for higher brain functions like empathy, future planning and rational analysis, etc.) goes off line. Those threat responses can save our lives in a true life or death emergency, but the system can also get activated in uncomfortable social situations, when we are not at risk of bodily harm. This makes it difficult - sometimes impossible - for us to respond with the intention, care and strategy we might prefer. If someone “pushes your buttons,” if you’ve ever “snapped” or “lost it,” or spent a week thinking of all the things you wished you had said in “that moment,” it’s a safe bet that your nervous system’s threat responses were activated and your frontal lobe was offline.
Many of us were on the receiving end of much too much shame, anger, belittlement, dismissiveness, neglect, and abuse, as children. As a child, those things can all make you feel like you might die if you do the wrong thing around family or in a totally different social situation. But the person sitting across the table from you right now is probably not threatening you with physical harm. If they are, please remove yourself from the situation as quickly and safely as possible.
If you are not at risk of physical harm, your physical responses, such as sweaty palms or armpits, tightness in the chest or increased heartrate, holding your breath or feeling shaky, nervous or nauseous feelings in your stomach, tingling in your legs (like you want to run away), etc., are all potentially signs that your nervous system’s threat responses have been activated. Each of the suggestions above (feel free to mix and match) are strategies that can help reactive the frontal lobe and support your nervous system in returning to a regulated state. Then you can analyze your options and choose your next step intentionally, rather than reacting instinctively and repeating those old patterns you’re ready to change. Because you are an adult now and social awkwardness and discomfort isn’t going to kill you.
REPEAT THIS STEP AS NEEDED THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE CONVERSATION.
3. Reflect and Clarify.
If they made a short dumb statement you disagree with, repeat it back word-for-word, or as close as you can. If it was a long monologue of dumb shit, summarize the key points. This is not agreeing with them, this is making sure you actually heard what they said, accurately. Here are some examples of reflecting without agreeing on a spectrum of topics from silly and petty to concerning and deadly serious:
I just want to make sure I heard you right, you just said that you don’t believe Santa Claus is real?
I’m sorry, did you really just call me a crybaby?
Huh, so you’ve been doing research on YouTube and you’re now convinced that the earth is actually flat?
I’m just trying to understand, did you just lay out an argument for why you believe genocide is allowable in this circumstance?
Taking time to reflect and clarify does not, in any way, require you to agree with their position, but it gives you both the opportunity to clarify any potential misunderstanding, and lets the other party decide whether to double down or reel back on a wild generalization, unintentional provocation, or other ignorant dumbassery.
Expressing empathy or trying to understand their perspective can help the other person feel heard and can instantly begin to deescalate a tense situation. It’s also a way you can step out of the cycle, if you recognize that you and this person have a tendency to become reactive and simultaneously activate one another’s threat responses.
Optional: If this is a person you truly care about and you have the mental and emotional capacity, you can ask them to share more about their perspective with clarifying questions, such as:
Interesting, how did you come to that conclusion?
Huh, would you be willing to share a bit more about where you are coming from?
It sounds like this is really important to you, would you be willing to tell me a bit more about your perspective.
If they are not spewing hate or immediately threatening anyone, taking time to understand their perspective, how they arrived at it, and why it is so important to them is likely the best strategy for actually building connection and care in a relationship. It’s possible that dumb shit they said is actually connected to deeply held values, impactful or traumatic life experiences, or unexamined socialization. In full context, it might not even be dumb at all, but an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection.
Try your hardest to avoid:
Leading questions (Don’t you think that’s shortsighted though?!),
Insults or hash judgements wrapped in a question (Why would you do something so stupid?!),
Insincerity or manipulation (Tell me more. [while sneering/as a stalling tactic while you finish plotting your revenge/with no interest in actually hearing what they have to say]).
REPEAT AS NECESSARY UNTIL THEY FEEL HEARD AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU UNDERSTAND THE FEELINGS, NEEDS, VALUES AND EXPERIENCES UNDERNEATH THEIR INITIAL STATEMENT.
4) Ask if they’d like to hear your perspective.
Consent is important, even - especially - when others don’t practice it. They may or may not be willing or able to hear what you have to say. Asking shows respect by letting them make that decision out loud. They are much more likely to be willing and able to listen with curiosity, if you’ve just taken time to to do the same for them.
If they are willing to listen, thank them and share what is important to you and why.
Talk about your values (I really value human life and protecting children wherever they live.)
Talk about your beliefs (I don’t believe the appropriate response to a war crime is more war crimes.)
Share your experiences (So, when I look out across the ocean, I see the horizon, and no matter how powerful a telescope I have, I cannot see what is on the other side of the ocean. I also have seen satellites orbiting above me, and with a telescope I can see that the other planets in the sky are round and we can track their orbits relative to the sun.)
Share why the issue is important to you (I am trying to keep the magic of Christmas alive for my young children).
Be honest & as vulnerable as the situation/personalities allow – if you know they won’t respect an aspect of your identity or experience, don’t share it.
Your values, identity and experiences are not up for debate, you do not need to defend them. If they don’t share those values, that is important information for your future interactions. And often times we find that even if our perspectives or opinions differ, our values are more likely to be shared or at least overlap. There is more room for common ground and mutual respect when we get to the deeper values and needs that inform our perspectives and opinions rather than arguing about those surface positions and declarations.
A few things not to do:
Don’t start by saying what’s wrong with their perspective (Well, you’ve clearly been getting all of your information from Propaganda News Network, you’re just repeating all of their talking points!)
Don’t try to dissect their perspective point for point like you’re on Law & Order Family Feud Edition, (First, you don’t seem to be critically evaluating your sources. Second, how do you explain the horizon, sunrise and sunset?)
Don’t make it personal (I think you’re an idiot for getting your information from YouTube).
Don’t bring up unrelated or old baggage or weaponize this topic as fuel for an ongoing feud (You tried to rob me of my childhood by mythbusting everything all the time and I’m trying to stop you from scarring my children in the same way!)
If they are not willing to hear you, that is important information that should inform your next steps. It may be really disappointing or hurtful or exactly what you expected. Either way, there is no reason to beat your head against the brick wall of someone who does not care to show you care or respect, especially if that’s what you have just done for them.
Whatever the reason, (trauma, disability, high levels of baseline activation, cultural norms, narcissism, substance use/abuse, juggling/distracted by too many things at the moment, etc.) they are clearly stating their boundary. If you expect your boundaries to be honored, you have to honor others’ boundaries as well, even when it sucks. You don’t have to like it, but you do need to acknowledge the fact that they have expressed that they do not have mental or emotional capacity or are simply unwilling to hear or try to understand you and your perspective.
You deserve better. You really do. And you cannot change or control them. What you can do, is give yourself the empathy, understanding and care they won’t.
Remove yourself as necessary (step outside, lock yourself in the bathroom, take a walk, go home, etc.).
Try another one of those nervous system regulation strategies in #2 above or download the ichill app below.
Acknowledge your disappointment and hurt, frustration and anger, or whatever other assorted emotions you are feeling. Your feelings are valid even if the people around you won’t validate them.
Adjust your expectations for this encounter (and future ones) based on this data point and how it connects to previous experiences - is this a well-established pattern or an outlier incident influenced by extenuating circumstances? Can you return and reset? Do you need to leave or cut ties? Something else?
When possible, reach out to someone you trust, who you know will hear and understand you, so you can vent, process and make realistic actionable plans for your future encounters.
5) Set & hold boundaries.
Some things are not negotiable. Know what those things are for you. Decide how you will hold those boundaries. Follow through.
I will not sit here and be called names. If you want to apologize, we can finish dinner, otherwise I am going to leave.
I love you, but I absolutely disagree with your perspective. It is really painful to hear someone I generally respect and admire defend genocide. I’m going to go get some air, I don’t know how to get past this right now.
I appreciate you sharing your perspective. I hear where you are coming from, but it’s pretty hurtful that you’re unwilling to hear and consider my perspective. This feels really familiar and I’m not going to keep doing this with you tonight. Perhaps we can find another time to talk this through when there isn’t so much happening and without so many other people around. I’m probably not going to come back until we do.
Boundaries are clear and concrete. They are not blaming, shaming or coercive ultimatums. They simply state what boundary has been crossed and what your response will be to restore that boundary. Try to avoid accusations, name calling or extreme declarations (You’re a gaslighter! I’m leaving and never coming back here again!) that may be more dramatic or reactive than realistic or accurate. Leave the door open for them to make a different choice in the future that will allow for repair or reconciliation – if you are genuinely willing to consider it.
It can be helpful to include a request that will meet your needs and is something the other person can realistically do.
Can we please change the subject and talk about something else now? This is not how I want to spend our limited time together.
Please keep your beliefs about Santa Claus to yourself when my kids are around. I understand you disagree with this parenting strategy, but I still need you to respect that it is my choice to make.
Would you be willing to avoid quoting Propaganda News Network to me while I’m here? It makes it really hard for me to connect with you in the ways I think we would both prefer.
Stepping out of longstanding relationship patterns and dynamics is likely to be really uncomfortable for everyone involved, but the payoff can be more connection, more understanding, and more love. You don’t have to compromise on your values, you should never compromise when defending basic human rights and dignity. Practicing honesty, respect and integrity with yourself and your loved ones is one immediately actionable way to create more connection and understanding and stay grounded amidst the current chaos of the world.
Good luck!
Additional Resources
iChill app: The Trauma Resource Institute’s iChill app teaches you the Community Resiliency Model, a set of self-help skills, and simple info about how stress affects the mind and body.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Marshall Rosenburg, 2015